Mecyll’s Note: In light of this month’s upcoming Valentine’s Day, I thought of republishing this article written in 2016 for an old blog (nulled). I hope this article will spread awareness of how challenging and rewarding it could be for someone to get involved with romancing a writer.
At the same time, this is also for writers who want a dose of inspiration today. Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. 🙂
Is your spouse a writer? Have you been in a relationship with someone whose life is entangled with words, having no life outside his or her desk?
Do you find it difficult to understand romancing a writer? Why is it challenging to love us?
There are a few of the questions you have in mind when we talk about how odd writers are. As a writer, I hear that a lot from my family.
My parents thought I didn’t have plans to go outside the house and have a walk. Not even my husband could force it.
Table of Contents
- Romancing a Writer Struggle 1: Writers’ Need For Isolation
- Struggle 2: Writers Care Less About Their Surroundings
- Struggle 3: Writers Demand Absolute Alone Time
- Struggle 4: Writer Struggles During Daily Conversations
- Struggle 5: Writer’s Detachment Misunderstood
- Your Takeaway about Romancing a Writer
Romancing a Writer Struggle 1: Writers’ Need For Isolation
We need complete isolation to write the best-selling book or the story we have in mind. We can’t take any form of distraction. Not even a child’s laughter.
For a married woman like me, it’d not be easy. Hence, I am somehow thankful I don’t have one yet, albeit my family’s disapproval.
Writing itself needs a lot of mental exercises. If we cannot write a piece of work well, we feel like we just wasted another piece of paper, another 8 hours for crap.
We either throw it away or slam our hands on the desk as we walk out to calm down. Our creative juices will only come out in silence.
That’s why it’s no surprise that the writer’s home has to be in a noise-free environment to concentrate and implement its boosted focus to thrive and finish our work. Otherwise, as I said, it will be another piece of trash.
Unlike other girlfriends or wives, I couldn’t enjoy small talk. I find it boring. Mundane.
Rather than spending time with others and wasting my time on useless things, I tend to shut off from the crowd and find a specific place to think.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a novel inspiration or an idea for my next blog post, just like this one. It’s as long as I enjoy my thinking more than talking with others. Besides, nobody could understand a thing about what I was saying.
On the other hand, you may find yourself in a position wherein you thought your other half didn’t care about you or your feelings because of the detachment.
Honestly, it’s not because of that. Your writer partner desires to focus and calibrate the writing process higher by being alone.
Struggle 2: Writers Care Less About Their Surroundings
This doesn’t only include the writers alone but the avid book readers as well. My mom had a friend whose life revolved around reading romance books.
Rather than spending time with her husband at home, she chose to read more books in her vacant time.
When they visited her home once, they were surprised by a hill of piled books unarranged. They were everywhere.
Not only that. They noticed the cobwebs and dusty pieces of furniture, too.
At the back of my mom’s mind, this was a reality for most writers without knowing her daughter would end up with the same fate.
I rarely have the time to clean my space. Whenever I have vacant time, if it’s a whole day, I could reserve some hours to clean the house but not the entire room.
I couldn’t hold a broom to sweep the floors nor have the time to feed my dog. I do them sometimes if my workload allows, but my sister does them daily.
Struggle 3: Writers Demand Absolute Alone Time
Since I was a kid, nobody liked to play with me because they found me absurd. Other children want to play at the playground and talk. I don’t.
Most of the time, I stay inside the library alone and stay away from the crowd in silence. The school principal told me I was the only pupil who borrowed the library key.
Aside from the teacher’s borrow card, I was the only one at school who owned it with filled notes from the librarian. Other pupils have, but they were blank as they prefer playing to reading.
Because of that behavior, I couldn’t remember hanging out with friends for a day. Not even in high school and college. The only times when I was forced to stay in a crowd of people were the meetings and group work.
Other than those, I was alone.
Now that I am a married woman and have left my professional job as a teacher, I still have my tendency because of the nature of my work. I must concentrate on perfecting each blog post for my day job and my blogs.
From there, I don’t have time to talk much with my family. I could set aside a few hours, but then boredom hits me. So, I decided to work on my websites rather than talk more.
This is the most common behavior of writers. We instead spend a day thinking of the following story we write and the next blog post to work on.
That’s why most people think we’re introverts by nature. But neither did they know that even extroverts do the same thing simply because they write.
In general, writing is equivalent to isolation. It’s a lonely road to move forward to. A lonely path filled with despair, dismay, resentment, and pain. Yet, it’s a chosen field with a conscientious decision. We have to face it.
Struggle 4: Writer Struggles During Daily Conversations
My husband asked what I was talking about or what my words meant. Not only he but my family does the same.
My sister most of the time. Because of my chosen profession, I read more and more, learning new words and expressions.
So, whenever I talked to them, I didn’t notice I used more of these new words making them feel awkward, especially when I was writing my books.
When my husband reads one of my works, he searches the dictionary to define some words or asks me personally what the word means.
If you are in a relationship with a writer, you’ll notice that these struggles are actual. And I bet there are times when you couldn’t apprehend why.
You try to find the reasons behind these things, but you force yourself to accept that these are the natures of your wife’s work, for example.
Everything that comes of our minds and mouths is too deep for an average person. We don’t speak the same language as other people do.
Usually, the majority of the population talks about others and gossip. We don’t. Instead, we speak about ideas that others find boring.
Struggle 5: Writer’s Detachment Misunderstood
I mean the holistic detachment. Not only emotional, physical, and mental but also spiritual.
Most writers have doubts about organized religion, especially those who are fond of writing fiction. For example, Stephen King is a Methodist but only believes in God, not the church.
According to Alison Flood’s article published in The Guardian, in an interview with Rolling Stone, Stephen King said, “I choose to believe that God exists, and therefore I can say, ‘God, I can’t do this by myself. Help me not to take a drink today. Help me not to take a drug today.’ And that works fine for me.”
I do the same. I am a Catholic but don’t believe in the Catholic church and its members. I only believe in God and Jesus. Nothing else.
Most of us tend to think about what matters rather than conforming to what everybody does. If 95% of Filipinos go to church and pray, I belong to the 5% who don’t.
Instead, I stay home and pray, practicing my faith. What Jesus said in the Book of Matthew resonates with me well.
“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20)
Your Takeaway about Romancing a Writer
Romancing a writer is difficult for those unaware of how our lifestyle works. We operate things differently from others, and ironically, we make more money from what we do than an average 9 to 5 employee.
We may be fond of staying inside our lofty homes and thinking. But we’re also humans, and we need a social life. Our terms won’t match as the majority does.
We don’t have parties and are not fond of the Kardashians. What matters to us is the real thing money can’t buy. Ideas, love, and the 73 human virtues, among others. Abstract things.
We spend our time alone more than others, not because we hate or are angry at you. No, please don’t take it that way.
We do that because we need it. We need our mental energy to rejuvenate and resume the mental stress until we finish our workloads.
From there, we don’t have the leisure time to talk about anything other than books and writing. Nothing else than what we thought was nice to write about.
Thankfully, my husband does support me, although he admitted that he has to adjust a lot because of it.
My family took time to understand my work and why I behave differently than other cousins. Rather than staying outside the house and playing, I lock myself in and work independently.
As my previous post says, it’s hard to be the only writer in the family. And it does feel that way. It’s isolating.
Nonetheless, we’re enjoying our work. All we need from you is an understanding of the detachment and our inabilities.
In my case, I’m an introverted writer. Much more, I have a lot of incapacities. Social skills are one of them.
Simply because you choose us to be your lovers, that doesn’t mean you can dominate and enforce your life on us.
We do understand you are different and you’re social. You may act and behave the opposite, but there’s one thing we ask from you, like our life partners. Love us truly.
Accepting our realities won’t be a pain in the butt if you love us. That’s all. We aren’t just sitting in front of our typewriters and acting lazily, making our writing an alibi for our indecisiveness and act of sloth.
We work hard, harder than anybody else. It’s just that it’s not visible to everyone. Only you see it with your own eyes.
Just love us. Romancing a writer won’t be difficult if you respect and accept who we are. That’s what matters.