It was a sudden bliss after the abyss. That’s what I thought it would be.
Fascinated, I find myself in sudden vigor after the past few days of seemingly endless agony while I see myself in the deep abyss. It’s as if my body slightly turned itself into an enemy building in such a deceitful manner. Silent and discreet.
No matter how I tried resisting and fought against its wishes for the sake of my will and my soul, it often ends up in frustration.
The blankets and pillows became my confidants, while I struggle to lift myself up to do the tasks I need to do during days; while my husband toils from early morning to late afternoon to have food to eat.[hubspot type=form portal=7343047 id=e8d5dfdd-82cb-488e-81ae-9ffd1b4e9315]
How Does Self-Loathing Depict Itself?
It is through irrational self-loathing and unreasonable justification of laziness.
I asked myself many times the same question, “What are you doing?” as though I couldn’t find concrete answers to satisfy it.
As days passed, inevitable guilt, at the same time, self-loathing slowly builds up inside me, resulting in confiding with my good, old friend, Mia the Bully.
It was not too long ago that I consumed too many sweets and other condiments I could find at home and forced myself to vomit until I felt the euphoria drugs can possibly give. The same level of ecstasy, I hoped, could gratify and justify my irrational thoughts.
My husband told me, actually expressed a willful but caring reminder, that I should stop thinking of being useless at the moment.
Freelance Writing for Temporary Financial Stability
Because it was me who toiled the soil in the past few months, non-stop, for the sake of having what we have today – temporary financial stability.
True, I may only be five feet tall, but I managed to earn thousands of dollars within a short time, which is something I should have been proud to celebrate. Yet, I failed to recognize that feeling of celebration after I received the amount of money even for the third time.
How could I celebrate when as soon as I earn it, it’s gone?
It’s like pieces of wood that turned into ashes flown into the wind and scattered into the unknown.
How could I give myself the permission to be gay and have fun with immense success as others would do if I only see myself paying one debt to the other much faster than the time I worked hard for such an amount?
The Truth Behind Freelance Writing
And now, I’m broke. I have no clients to work with, and I have no sales at all. Others would easily torment me by pointing their fingers to blame me for doing nothing. Have I not?
I spent every single day, often sleepless nights to produce something for my online shop, and have written a countless number articles on various platforms, such as my blog and social media, and networked with different people across the globe thinking these were all necessary, albeit the fear.
I also tried to go beyond what I often do, such as recording my voice and turn it into podcast episodes and videos, to expand possible horizons. Even so, nothing worked.
My good, old friend, Mia the Bully didn’t waste any second to remind me how foolish it was for me to believe that I have something to offer for the world and to undertake such time- and effort-consuming endeavors knowing they were all for nothing.
Stepping On The Brake To Keep My Sanity
So, I was left without a choice but to step on the brakes, as my husband, my younger sister, and fellow writers suggested.
They told me it was a necessity not only for my writing career but for my sanity as a human being. It was too much for me to handle. I have too much on my plate.
If I had pushed myself even more than I did, Mia the Bully could have succeeded in making me believe in her painful and harsh philosophy again. That I am nothing but a nobody, a fool, who tries way too much to reach a goal nowhere to be found.
Then, I found myself in a deep hole.
As a result of my unconscious contemplation, I was in a deep abyss and unable to get myself up in the bed. And if I did, I only ate and ate and ate to vomit minutes after the last bite.
And when I vomit, I have to make sure nothing is left inside my body because I don’t think I deserve anything good but bad.
Couldn’t you see in my present circumstances now? I have nothing, and I was foolish enough to believe that I can prove to myself and others who underestimate me that I can do something, too. Yet, I was wrong.
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As Germans say, “Sieswiesist,” which means, “It is how it is.” In other words, my years of endless passionate work only end with nothing but a painful reality.
My current situation left me without any other options but to accept and do something that’s realistic enough to resolve the circumstances or stray from the idealistic and unrealistic ambitions my heart wants to strive. All, for the sake of living and conforming to what everyone does to survive.
But for a dreamer like me, forcing me into these ideals is comparable to burying myself with the dead. Allowing the worms and others to eat me slowly until I have nothing but bones. Later, dust.
A Sudden Bliss Out of the Blue
“Oh? What was that?” I thought after I learned that Queen Victoria, considered the grandmother of Europe, wasn’t tall at all. We’re both five feet tall. But the heights she reached in her reign are undeniable and endlessly powerful.
“I may be small, but like her, I can do something great, too.” My thoughts continued as my body perspires from the energy drawn from my gut and extended to my veins.
As I am aware of her accomplishments as the queen, I asked myself, “Would that be possible for someone like me, too? I don’t have a crown, and I don’t have the title to prove it. Would that still be possible for me?”
How I Tried To Stay Positive, Albeit Obvious Hopelessness.
Right now, there’s still nothing I can call accomplishment. Yes, I’ve done a lot. I wrote several books on Wattpad but they’re still processes to come before I can publish them in my company.
I wrote countless articles for various companies and private individuals and earned thousands of dollars to support my family’s needs. But what I’ve done isn’t in tune with my heart’s desires. Nothing of what I have accomplished quenched my thirst.
I am particularly interested in the power of writing from the perspective of someone who only relies on written words to speak up. My eyes are on the power of words themselves.
How words could change someone’s life and can make you financially stable and economically powerful, and how a writer can create war and destroy nations?
These are the questions I consider fundamental to understand why we need for joining this industry. Especially for new writers on board.
Perhaps, these thoughts, formerly disorganized, slowly form themselves into the greater picture of things.
You see, English isn’t my mother tongue. I only speak a few words at home, mostly in Visayan. Expanding my vocabulary and learning various writing techniques are only learned at schools and universities.
I Was A Terrible Writer Who Never Gave Up.
I entered this workforce as a content writer with terrible writing skills, although I had high grades in most of my English classes.
Confidence and self-assertion were my problems. Without previous background, different companies denied my application and often faced with pain-staking tests to prove that I can write well.
Without my heart for writing, I don’t think I can survive it.
Not only did I underwent a hellish process of constant skill-trimming and training, but the seemingly endless challenges pushed me to thrive and become the best in the marketplace.
Even when other writers ignore the power of unwavering drive to learn and dive deeper into the course, I did otherwise.
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My Unwavering Desire to Become the Best
As much as I can, on my own, I scoured the internet and devoured every piece of information I could find, from Search Engine Optimization (SEO), copywriting content writing, and book writing, both fiction and nonfiction.
All I wanted is to become the best. I want to learn all of these things because I know I can be useful and helpful towards those who were once at the lowest point of their writing careers.
I remember when my high school classmates asked me how I learned trigonometry so fast, that though I didn’t have any background knowledge about it, I still get As.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
Now, twelve years later…
I somehow understand why. Perhaps, I have the talent to teach others and lead people and help them to reach their goals.
My persistence and determination, my winning mindset and unwavering, strong will, and desire to become the best writer, indeed, have a purpose. Albeit pain of fighting against others who are in disbelief and the circumstances disallowing me to see the positive outcomes of my work.
And although people see me as an expert, I still couldn’t understand because there’s still so much to learn.
Nowadays, writing has evolved, from entertaining people for several minutes of reading to creating videos, for the sake of keeping people’s attention.
Conclusion – A Warning For All Writers
We are now at the point where writers compete not only for their writing skills but how skillful they are in media.
It is every writer’s challenge to keep our readers’ minds intact and with us from the first word to the last. Words have become boring and visuals, the new preference.
With all these said, if I write, does the power of my words remain? Would it still leave a mark on someone or not anymore?
Concerned, will my efforts of trying too much for the sake of helping others make an impact similar to how Queen Victoria left in her reign or not?
If it’s the latter, why does someone want to write at all?
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